Wednesday, September 28, 2005


I agree with you entirely... Goldfinger is the definitive "Bond" movie... it set the standard for the series and contains a host of classic Bond moments and introduced a number of motifs that would continue in later films (Q's workshop briefing of 007, a gadget laden car, a car race, the presence of gold, amongst others). The scene in which Bond wakes up on the kitchen floor and discovers his beau covered in gold paint is, for my money, the most iconic moment in any Bond film (so much so that The Sneaker Pimps used a sample of the incidental music in 6 Underground).

Whereas Goldfinger is the best "Bond" film, From Russia With Love is the best film. It's edgy, fast and dark, and Red Grant (Robert Shaw) is in my opinion the greatest of all the henchmen. From Russia With Love is a masterwork of the spy genre, as you so rightly said. Not a second is wasted, and the dialogue, action and script is firm and without fat.

As for the best opening, I presume that you are referring to the pre-opening credits teaser. A difficult question... the first of these was Grant stalking Bond in a SPECTRE maze in From Russia With Love, and I really don't think it's been bettered. Of course we have to return to the issue of best "Bond" opening vs best opening. For the latter I choose From Russia With Love without hesitation. For the former, I'd probably say Goldfinger (where Bond plants plastique and then emerges from the lake and takes off his wetsuit to reveal a white tuxedo) although I'm rather partial towards Live and Let Die (the murder of a delegate at the UN meeting, Baines being killed in the voodoo ritual) and Octopussy (the 00 agent disguised as a clown, being stalked by twin knife throwers after his faberge egg).

I agree with what you said - Bond is best when it is lean and ingenious (breathing underwater with canes in Dr No, deadly watches and poison spike shoes in From Russia With Love). Die Another Day was a boring farce, with almost no saving graces. If the Bond team ever hope to get back to the heights of Bond they'll have to turn things around dramatically for the not-particularly awaited Casino Royale.

So who do you think was the most attractive Bond girl?

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


The best Bond film, eh? Well it's certainly not the frankly laughable and bloddy long "on her Majesty's secret Service" and to be honest I haven't really stayed in touch with the recent Bonds to pass Judgement beyond "a pile of consumer shash".

the definitive Bond is Goldfinger. No argument, it is the most rounded and polished, crowd pleasing and accessible bond film, with a decent plot line and no real fantastical suspensions of disbelief are required along the scale of some of the other storylines (underwater cities and Volcano Lairs etc.) A big goddam laser that can project a spot on the moon is both clench fist, waghand and cut hand at the same time, it has the famous pussy Galore and her rollings in the hay and that dastardly Odd Job fellah that resembles Benny the University Flatmate. A classic, with no real comparison.

Having said that, it is a little more comic book to something like "Live and let Die" which was one of the more chilling films, but is let down by a poor finale and some really ropey acting. Mr Big has some of the best lines in a bond movie "names is for tombstones baby" and Solitaire steams up the sreen, but i really liked Rosie and was a little annoyed that she got killed by those sinister scarecrow things.

All in all, my favourite bond is Easily "From Russia with Love" and I don't think you would find a finer and more accurate big-screen depiction of the life of a cold-war spy than this fine film. The gadgets don't get outrageous (invisible cars? what is the fucking point? Surely a super spy should be able to infiltrate anywhere, like a blending ghost?!?!?) with a suitcase full of little and realistic gizmos:

A Knife. I would rather take a solid blade to battle against unknown danger than any number of dart firing pens and super laser watches. Just stick that in between their ribs and twist it until they shudder in your arms. Sorted.
A Bomb. anyone fucks with your stuff and your secret documents, they get a face full of shit. A common device used by bankers and businessmen the world over, so still wouldn't attract unwarranted attention that, say, a flashy motor that can shoot stinger missiles from it's headlights might.
A sniper Rifle. Not enough attention is paid to the fact that if you have a knife, a bomb and a sniper rifle, you can pretty much kill anyone in the world, and as a spy with a licence to kill, that's a pretty useful thing to know. The Sniper rifle gives you the advantage of distance and folds away nicely for easy transportation "Ice skates" style wherever you may choose to wander without anyone knowing you'd just bumped off an industrialist from the treeline.

It's slick, for it's time, and connery really Owns the Bond character, a fact that shines through in the more polished Goldfinger, but it's like Definitely maybe to Whats the story, or Master of Puppets to the Black album. You have to truly appreciate the Raw material to fully understand the finished product, so From Russia with love gets the Best Bond Movie title, with a close second being Goldfinger and an even closer third being Goldeneye, because it rocks.

And you, apart from the best Bond film (I think you would obviously agree with me if the chips were down, as i'm blatantly right) which Bond film has the best intro?

Friday, September 23, 2005

Good old 61

Nope, haven't seen it... yet.

I'm currently in an electronics superstore, and came across this laptop that is connected to the net... so it's a post from somewhere other than home or the office (please excuse me, but this is quite a big thing in my eyes).

Can't really talk too much now, but please tell me: which is the best bond film and why?

Thursday, September 22, 2005

60, the start of the end

Have ye seen the flight of Dragons yet?In it, Ommadon the Red wizard (voiced by James Earl "Seek" Jones) says the word "Doom" over and over again after summoning a horde of armoured fire-belching flying tanks that the film derives it's name from. Gods Blood, ye have to see it!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

'59 SLP Plexi

Indeed a veritable crock of shit... apologies for the lack of response - it's a double long weekend here, and I spent last saturday with an Irish friend, 4 litres of sake and two viewings of the blair witch project (during which he pointed out a ghost sighting, which is kind of eerie)... suffice to say, I'm still feeling the ill effects, some 5 days later...

By the way, another cutting hand quote from The Wicker Man. When Howie requests a dinghy to land on Summerisle, the harbour master says, with not a little latent menace, "His Lordship is most paticular about who lands here", which is very menacing considering what happens later.

Having watched it again last night, Conan the Barbarian is arguably one of the most clench fist movies out there. So many scenes... off the top of my head:

-when the narrator sets the scene, calling Conan "he who would one day be king by his own hand, and wear the crown of dadadadada on a troubled brow"

-when he's a death fighter and he gives his victory poses with deadly instruments attached to his hands.

-when thulsa doom says "such a waste (sigh)... contemplate this on the Tree of Woe... crucify him"

-when thulsa doom says "seek" as he loads a snake arrow into his quiver.

-when the high priest says "you..." in the temple, as black and white painted conan poses with his sword.

It's always amusing to see the opening pillaging scene, not for the murder and destruction but for the moment that doom's two lieutenants take off thier helmets and display hair much like you and helm did after your infamous haircuts of 1995.

Doom... I propose that this is perhaps the greatest word in the english language. Say it slowly to yourself over and over. It sounds just like the slow beating of a death drum. It's clench fist, wag hand and cutting hand all at the same time.

Friday, September 16, 2005

58 inches of Lurv

Couldn't agree more,

speaking of which, FHM has voted the rock less of a bloke film than American Pie. What a load of old shite that is....

Monday, September 12, 2005


Ahh... although I numbered the list, in no way was it in any order of preference. If it had been then perhaps the scene from The Wicker Man would have been first..

Interesting idea about the cutting hand... let's see if there are any other notable movie scenes that would justify such gestures. Off the top of my head, and in no particular order - and probably not literal quotes:

Cutting hand

1. "Would you like to come up to the house and eat with me and mother?" (Norman Bates in Psycho)
2. "It's probably just as well that you are leaving. You wouldn't want to be here for our May day celebrations." (Lord Summerisle to Sergeant Howie in the Wicker Man)
3. "Johnny Ola showed me this place one time." (Fredo Corleone to his guests, including his brother, Michael in The Godfather Part II)


1. "'Fair maid', said he, 'your kettle's cracked, the cause is plainly told. There have so many nails been drove, mine own could not take hold'" (Lord Summerisle singing at the piano in The Wicker Man)
2. ".. and now you're going to die in that silly little hat, what do you think about that?" (Defens to a dying golfer in Falling Down)
3. The scene in which Principal Ed Rooney, runs down the school corridor pausing periodically to casually walk past the classroom windows, in Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Clench fist

1. Everything that Ernst Stavro Blofeld says in From Russia With Love, but especially "Twelve seconds... one day we must invent a faster working venom", "Siamese fighting fish...", "We did not bring you over from the Russians just for your amusement, number 3" and "Let his death be a particularly unpleasant one".
2. "This wire can cut meat and bone easily" (Asami, looking at her wire saw in Audition)
3. "I want a suite at the Royal hotel. A shower, a shave... the feel of a suit." (John Mason in The Rock)

ballistic .56 cal

Ok, thats a good one, with Dynamo being a suprising Champion of the list.


Clenched fist:
1.Darth Vader: "You do not know the POWER of the darkside!!"
2.Oliver reed, King of the Hawkmen "second Wave......DEEEIVE!!!!"
2.Bob Hoskins, AKA Harold Shand: "Cut 'im Razors!!"
3.Christopher Lee (oh in so many moments but this one just pips it to the post for me) "Oh mighty God of the sea! We beg you accept this sacrifice of Ale!!"
4. Robert de Niro "My Fathers name was Antonio Andolini....and this is for you!!!!"
5. Ray Winstone: "Right Bates you BASTARD, I'm the Daddy now, next time i'll FUCKING kill you!!!"

and I propose the new "Cutting hand", being represented by two fingers held at 45 degrees, as if you have just been stading on the right side of the battle of Agincourt and been all "Yah Boo, we've still got our fingers and we're going to fill you full of arrows you frog fucks!" only at around 45 degrees.

In common with the vitriol exhibited above, this hand is used to denote a partucularly biting or scathing comment delivered with style or A guarded comment so seemingly innocent, but it's more sinister intentions are clear to those that should know.

"Mr Corleone is a man that insists on hearing bad news immediatley" might be a good example.

This way, you could incorporate all three into some intensley eccentric wordgame, where the offbeat waghand beats the rooted clenched fist, and the sturdy fist splits the twin veils of sarcasm and hidden threats espoused by the cutting hand. The cutting fingers or "twin markers" as they might become known would in turn overrun the placid and passive blanket of the waghand.....ach, it'll never catch on!

Sunday, September 11, 2005

55 reasons to be cheerful

I have to disagree and say that world domination is all about foresight, however misguided and inaccurate that foresight may be. I do agree though that a game of chess alone isn't sufficient to be able to assess who would be the world dominator - the game would be only the beginning, and unless the world is already dominated and waiting in limbo, the victor would have to have the inner fortitude and megalomaniacal nouse to go and ensnare the planet. Perhaps a series of games of Go would be a better indicator of this, although no game can ever simulate such a thing.

Now, the following thought has kept me awake for many a slumbery twinight: What are the most waghand moments in the movies?

My nominations, off the top of my head:

1. Dynamo singing and driving his electric car in The Running Man.
2. The musical between-scene titles in The Sting.
3. Charles Hawtrey in a straw hat with a bottle of wine shouting "Wait for me! Waaaait for me!" whilst running for the tour bus in Carry on Abroad.
4. The Ironside sample in Kill Bill.
5. The musical scene in The Wicker Man when the villagers don masks and pop up from behind scenery to look at Edward Woodward as he struggles to get his boat working.

What say you, Jim O' the Lantern?

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Studio 54

Hmm a tough one order to get a idea of playing games of world domination, I will have to turn to the advices of the currently pink haired Amy Diamond:

Chess is a battle of foresight.World domination is not. True it is important to have many plans not all of which come to fruition. It is important to plot scenario's. But in world domination the bishop can travel anywhere on the board and the king may move as far as he likes. Thus this game could not provide the answer of who would dominate the world. Domination is not always understanding sometimes it is just the ability to destroy.

So In Summary, you are perhaps suggesting that it would be Blofeld, who has already considered this and formed an empire based on thoughts and people, as opposed to Dr. No, who has based an empire on material possessions and physical property?

Not necessarily. Whoever remembers a gun will win. The match never takes place. You must admit that if tony blair and george bush jr agreed on territory over a boxing match. Even if the match took place and little georgie one. Tony would use all his resources to get his way and his black eye from the sporting arrangement would have been entirely pointless. The whole point of dominating the world is that you eliminate competitors and threats at an early stage whilst you are still small time enough to be threatened or on equal ground with another. Domination and mastery take place long afterward. To think of two masterminds and throw them together and see which one would win, you must place them in a different scenario. As Master Blofield, and student Dr.No.

And the game would take many years and after those years we would not know one of theses characters because their part would have been forgotten and only the master would be remembered.

All that sort of thing......

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Dom Perignon '53

Naturally the edge would have to go with the muscled semi-cyborg Grinder, as he has a considerable height and weight advantage over, to be perfectly frank, a jolly beardy with wings. Blackpool pier would give the older thespian the home advantage, but this isn't the reason he would win. As we all know from Mean Arena, The Grinder is susceptible to taking a fall if the situation merits it, and what better situation for a thrown fight than fighting a bear in fur pants who keeps yelling "DEEEE-IVE!" to the chilly north western sea winds?

On the subject of waghand names, yes, Benjamin Natanyahu is decidedly chucklesome, although my two favourites from the modern era (the Victorian age was a hotbed of strange namery, and is thus overlooked) are the American Skier, Peekabo (pronounced boo) Street, and the Harlem Globetrotter, Meadowlark Lemon. You'll also be pleased to hear that waghandary has yet another outpost, in the form of the Fukuoka production of the musical, Beauty and the Beast, which happened to be our school trip yesterday.

Ok what about this for a scenario...

Ernst Stavro Blofeld (the guy from From Russia With Love and Thunderball - the guy whose face you never see) versus Dr No in a game of chess, the prize being world domination. Who wins and why?

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Fithty Two

Believe it or not, i see a similar outcome. Mr berry always did put me in mind of an ageing man who was once a mouse and had learned all that it would mean to be small and unthreatening, wailed on by every living thing, with an ingenious knowledge of traps.

No need for apologies or, indeed, scurrilous backbiting. thou art a pompous and, no doubt, weak wristed bowler. i gets the feeling that you go to the alleys and watch for someone successful so that you can pose for a photo in front of their score. A casual bowler, if you will.
So oftne is it remarked in this more enlightened part of the world that i have taken the liberty of blacklisting you at every ten-pin bowling alley in christendom, so that the true players, and their scores, will not be filched by such waghanded artistry.

Speaking of which, isn't the name bejamin netten-yahoo a bit waghandish? Isn't the name Brian blessed a bit clenched fist? In fact, i think you would be hard pressed to find an individual as "clenched-fist-personified" as Mr.blessed, although others figure in the running. Like darth vader, for example.

So who would win out of Mr. blessed in the guise of the king of the hawklords and the meat grinder from 2000AD? on Blackpool pier?