Sunday, October 23, 2005

' 75 ... and poncho took a bullet in the tongue...

At the risk of being Helm-ish...

1. Lazenby only did one film as he was given bad advice by his PR people (they told him that Bond was a 60s thing, and that the approaching 70s would drop the series like a sack of hot shit). Plus there was the fact that OHMSS, despite being quite successful at the box office, made a lot less than Connery's last few films.

2. At the end of OHMSS Lazenby portrays Bond at his most unhappy... his wife has been murdered in cold blood by his arch nemesis and his german aide... this profound unhappiness is contrasted starkly with the romanticism and love that came before it, and thus the latter is necessary..

3. Had Lazenby ignored his PR team and done Diamonds are forever, and had Telly Savalas agreed to return, it could have been an excellent culmination of the whole affair... in DAF, Connery is overweight and openly bored with the role... Grey is a rubbish Blofeld... with Lazenby and Savalas in place, the viewer would be reminded of the scenes in OHMSS and it would have undoubtedly lifted both films.

Love and a seventy-four

Lazenby was only in one Bond film for a reason. There just isn't enough time in the world for Bond to be happy. Thats why he's licenced to kill.

Friday, October 21, 2005

' 73, a great year for films (The Wicker Man, Live and Let Die, Black Caesar, Coffy, Day of the Jackal, Dracula, Enter the Dragon, The Exorcist, etc.

Oldboy! Haven't seen it yet, but I've been trying to think of the name of it for ages... I do so love a bit of Korean darkness. Speaking of which, do you remember our first guest speaker in this Experience, Anjin? Well, I had a rather strange dream about her last week... she was in the hospital from The Godfather, and she told me that her father had forbidden her to eat pink cake, but she went ahead and ate it, and now required extensive stomach surgery... she had a merry chuckle when I told her.

Anyway, to bring things temporarily back to Bond films, what do you think of On Her Majesty's Secret Service and Licence to Kill? For me, the former is one of the very best, and Lazenby is seriously underrated. Savalas' Blofeld is nails, once you get past the fact that he is Luke Abbott in the future, and he gets stuck in with the rough stuff when needs be. Plus he hypnotises beautiful girls from across the world and plans to use them to spread deadly epidemics. Diana Rigg is great as Tracy - when she is in the back of the car with Bond, wearing a very late 60s hat and mini skirt suit, she is perhaps the cheekiest and cutest thing I have ever seen. The great strength of the film is the ending. Poignant, powerful, un-Bond in a brave and refreshing way. I have a theory that if Lazenby and Savalas had gone on to do Diamonds are Forever, it would have been infinitely better.

As for Licence to Kill, I think it's superb on paper, and there are some interesting moments, but generally it's one of the worst films. I have no problem with Dalton, as I've come to appreciate his protrayal of Bond, but the editing and format of Licence to Kill is poor. One good thing about it is Q - this film is his Hamlet.. he appears as a chauffer, a boat captain, and my favourite, a Mexican farmer with a huge bandito moustache. Like Octopussy, Q is actively involved in the mission, it's just a shame that they didn't give him a better one.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Seventy Two-anything remarkable about this number?

Ho ho ho, I'm fecking certain I sent her after ye to see what life in a bag on a diet of bulimia and fingers is like for the winter season. Apparently it's all the rage in Japan. The daily sport is full of shit.

Anyways, sorrys no replies, am moving house temporarily in a week so haven't had a chance to get near a PC, even now is difficult. Preparations for the party are going well and the theme is fancy dress and halloween. I'm going as Darth Vader, who is the original Bad dude. It's a wonder they didn't cast a brit in the role actually. I think that all Bond Baddies should henceforth be american and be portrayed as fat fucks raping the third world. Because they are. Twats.

Anyways, how about a daft bond mission? To sneak into austria and steal the recipe for swiss chocolate from a wealthy swiss landowner, thus providing Britain with vital political levarage in the UN? Or a straightforward coup in the united states, cue much waghandery about a previous job staged in 60's america to sit a british puppet governemt in The USA to make everyone believe that they are the most powerful nation and yet they are mearely British Vassals? Maybe i'm just jealous that they have big ass ships and yachts, but fuck 'em if they can't take a joke? Whatever happened to the Original American Hero? All they can do is Ape Bond, but they can never produce anything thats as smooth. Now Oldboy on the other hand is a serious contender- the fucker eats a live squid! What d'you think?

Friday, October 14, 2005

Seventy One

Good grief! I thought interpol had finally nabbed you... either you were being the lazy snake and sleeping for a week and a bit or you accepted that top secret mission into the underworld of Vienna...

Yes, I've often thought about Bond missions, but they are often rather daft and from the darker, chucklier side of my brain.

I did, however, have an idea for the next Bond console/pc game... but I must pedal to the bowling alley now, stopping on the way to drink coffee from an incredibly waghand coffee shop. I shall reveal my idea when I return...

By the way, the actress that played Asami in Audition, as well as the actor who played her unfortunate victim, were both born in Fukuoka prefecture, which is where I live. If I bump into her at the supermarket I won't be able to resist singing "kiri kiri kiri kiri kiri kiri!" in her ear... and rest assured that I will persuade her to travel to Norwich, infiltrate your house, spike your shandy and show you her wire that is sharp enough to cut meat and bone... oh yes.

70 ducks are swimming in the water

you mean to say that in all the years you have studied bond you haven't once thought of a mission for him to go on? not even to wipe out all cointreau?

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

A bit of the old 69

I have to say, that has to be the best idea for Bond I have ever heard. The films badly need some kind of change of direction, as the tried and tested "up the ante on effects" has led us all into a tiresome rut.

Funnily enough, I was thinking only yesterday that it would be interesting for Brosnan's Bond to die, and to have the initiation part of the film. It would be incredible. Also a bit of background about the 00 system could be worthwhile - is there any kind of kudos for being a high or low number? how many agents have there been? how and where and when did they die?

Of the top of my head, I can't think of a good plot for a Bond film, as my bath is running, I'm half full of snorkworthy beer and have to be up at 6 in the morning... but I will have a long hard think about it on the train to work tomorrow, and let you know. How about you? Any ideas?

Sixty Eight

It's simple really. Whenever one bond dies, or retires his credentials and identity are assumed by another agent that is ready to pass into the elite 00 group, of which there are only nine. I think that there should be a film where Bond is sent on the trail of the ultimate master spy, known only as "Zero" who is better than any oo agent....

so anyways, each Bond actor represents a different aspect of James Bond's Character. Roger Moore for the innuendo and the precision, Connery the suave and still severe cold-war killer, Lazenby for the happier and more dashing side of bond (that doesn't last very long!) Dalton for the spy struggling against the new crimes of the eighties (not to mention fashion and hair) and Brosnan to bring the lot into order, exemplary in all fields, although a bit like a caricature. I think the only way to replace Bond over the next few films would be for there to be a scene where Brosnan actually gets killed, in a way that no miracle escape or cure can stop and M and the authorities sit around and watch a bunch of SAS soldiers and various commandos train and whittle them down to only a few, who they put out in field operations, never knowing they are auditioning for the hallowed "oo" designation! it would be wicked, and a Britain obsessed with pop idol and fame academy would love not only the "selection" process, but the whole watching how Agents are trained, etc...right through to espionage devices, explosives, weapons and tactics, lashings of how much better the brits are than any other country (a good thing here would be for them to be given a casino and the objective to seduce a wealthy oil-baroness and then we can watch their varying levels of success. Natch, they would all be American and easy as hell...)

so anyways, an idea for a new Bond movie? another plan? A reasoning behind your deranged comparison of Mrs.Gittins to Ursula Andress? What the deuce are you thinking of?

Monday, October 03, 2005

circa '67

That's a great idea... perhaps an additional element could be the use of the old coal trains that used to run... a few hundred tons of Helm's black shit could be substituted and cause mayhem on an even larger scale. Hells, if the explosions were to happen periodically along the route a large portion of the England could be covered!

I must admit to not being much of an Ursula Andress fan... I can see the appeal, but she just doesn't do it for me. I think it's because her forehead is too big. That and the fact that she IS 10B's former form tutor, Mrs Gittins (think about it... think hard about it.. there, you see)

Keeping with the Bond theme for a moment, could you please refresh my memory of your V for Vendetta style idea for Bond's identity?... I was thinking absently of it this morning, but couldn't recall exactly what it was.

Clickety Click

Ah, it's just postulating....what self-respecting English Gentlemen hasn't at one point or another plotted to subjugate the earths population? They normally just keep it to themselves. None of this is real, although it's interesting how we feel bad for just writing some words upon a page. Not even a real page, but a virtual page.
So now that i've got that out of the way, I would simply use some low grade explosive with one or two of Helm's "Carbon Blacks" (big sacks of paint pigment, to permanently colour bass paint) and let it off into, say, the underground system. The infinitisimal specs of pigment would become airborne and would be spread far around the city by the movement of the trains. Everything would be permanently coated in a fine sheen of black that would not scrub out with anything other than industrial detergents. That means people, cars, houses, trees, streets, shops, everything. If you have just called the police to let them know that a chemical attack is taking place, then they will meet the terrified and running populace with NBC gear and further increase the terror of the people. Picking a warm winter day means that thermals will lift the dust into the atmosphere for days, making the light murky and causing a constant drizzle of the stuff. Not only would the cost for cleaning run into the millions, you then have the fact that people would see the colour black and always be reminded of the day that the news vans and newspapers blew a chemical attack story way out of proportion and scared the shit out of them all. The insertion of the device could be at any tube station, which could make it tricky, but in 1960's Bond Britain it would be a piece of cake!

interesting choice of treacle. I thought that Miss Andress would look in place amongst all the iconic starlets of the roaring forties, with her clothes on!

5 and 60

The question of who is the most attractive Bond girl is not as straightforward as it seems... the word attractive was deliberately chosen, as it is more flexible than "most beautiful", "finest" or "sexiest". Attractive can be the result of many facets - looks, style, poise, voice, spirit, moral stance, etc, etc. But yet again we find ourselves with a term that can't be entirely nailed down, due to it's vagueness.

That said, for me the most attractive Bond girl is Claudine Auger, who played Domino in Thunderball. She is both demure and untamed, and looks equally stunning diving in the ocean or sat at a baccarat table. Her accent is wonderful, and she is the only Bond girl that wouldn't look out of place amongst the screen goddesses of the 1940s and 50s.

Now as to the question of how to appease SPECTRE on a budget, at the risk of having special branch kicking my door in, here's what I would do.

In classical SPECTRE fashion, I would destabilise a major government in Europe or America. This would be achieved by homemade letter bombs, made to look like regular governmental correspondence thanks to SPECTRE's infiltration agents and information gathering.

The keys to the success of this plan would be:

* to attach the letters to the roof of the mailboxes with a pre-chosen adhesive, which will weaken at a pre-determined time and fall safely, providing no link to our agents who deposited the letters weeks/months ago.

* that this would happen in the 1960s, when letter screening and general security measures were amateur.

How about you? Any ideas for a budget SPECTRE job?

Sunday, October 02, 2005

When I'm Sixty Four

Ach, you know me too well.

All the same, thats really easy for me to answer. Xenia onatopp. Anyone that can mow down a secret base full O russkies and specialised satellite equipment whilst panting Orgasmically, not to mention wrestle in saunas and swimming pools, crush men between her thighs and look absolutely fucking hot all at the same time? Call me old-fashioned, but who doesn't want a wild and unbroken Vixen? Jane Seymour was pretty special as well, had that whole innocence thing going for her hid behind her knowing looks, and her chair was like a queens throne. Iconic to say the least, but the one Girl that truly stands out from them all is Ursula Andress. By walking out onto that seashore that day she made film history and certainly set the standard for all comers. Plus it's nice to sing with a girl on a sunny beach someplace after gathering shells. Hells.

And you?

Weren't you a fan of Putter Smith from Diamonds are forever?
Who is the finest-assed treacle?

All those villains ranting about world domination, they don't stop and smell the coffee occasionally, Sean Bean could have been up to his eyefuls in thighfuls of Onnatopp if he could have just dealt with the issues that led him to build a fucking huge sattellite dish under a massive lake filled with fish. Surely there has to be a cheaper way of masterminding the complete subjugation of the earths population, complete ruin in the western hemisphere or "miscellaneous evil *chuckle* plan"?

Can you think of a discount way of making SPECTRE proud of you? Remember, you have limited men and resources, even less time to complete the assignment and, whilst you have to get away clean you must ensure that everything goes to plan, because SPECTRE will not toletrate failure!

A New argument perhaps? Some Waghandish plots? Reply-ee! reply-ee!!