Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Area 51

An interesting matchup... let's see. Both undoubtedly have a background in mathematics theory, although Berry would appear to be more able to put it into practice and together with his construction knowhow would probably have the edge. I'm not too sure how well Aldous would cope on a deserted island. There could well be a few cardboard boxes for him to cut with a wooden ruler, as is his wont, but would this help him in a mortal battle with an older foe? The fact that he would be apart from Mrs Aldous could inspire him, but even so I think Berry would win. And here's how:

Having constructed a large and deadly mousetrap from abandoned timber and steel, Berry lays a can of deodorant, salvaged from his luggage, as bait. Despite lots of planning and hypothesis, Aldous is mesmorised by the can, and is snapped in half as the chuckling, victorious Berry watches from a nearby tree.

By the way, I was going to apologise for my lack of activity for a week or so, but seeing as you were so late to reply I needn't...

50 pound a' hayseed

Yes Donnington was really cool. When I get chatting to "the new generation" of metallifans, they gasp in Awe when I tell them of that long hot summer of '95 culminating in one of the most incredible days in music I feel I will ever experience. They drink in the heady atmosphere and the chants and the shouting and the moshing at the pictures I paint, I tell them the stories of the day, descobe the on-stage antics and the bass throb pounding in my chest like a second heart beat, but none of them will ever know the sheer pleasure of that day.

What about if Mr Aldous and Mr Berry both crashlanded on a small deserted island, in small biplanes just like in spy vs. spy? If they had three days to prepare a base and various weapons from the fuselage and what remains of the basic flying instuments then what would they build, who would win and how would the loser be finally dispatched?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

(102 - 72.5)x(3 x 4 - 11 + 1)

Ahh, Donnington... a defining moment in our teenage years, that's for sure.... my most vivid memories of it are:

- eating cereal in Youngy's kitchen at a ridiculous time of the morning, him tapping his spoon whilst he waited for you, Ian and his dad.

- the fact that I wore a white metallica t-shirt, and was perhaps one of the only fans to do so.

- arriving early and due to it being really quiet we got near the stage, and then looking round to see a field full of people.

- the first band testing their bass drum, and sending pure decibels into our hearts.

- sitting on a grassy knoll with Youngy during Slash's snake pit and promptly falling asleep.

- watching the bags of beer and presumably piss flying through the air mid-sets.

- waiting for ages for Therapy and Machine Head to come on (and hearing everyone singing the chorus to Killing in the Name when they played it over the speakers).

- feeling utterly euphoric when Metallica finally burst out on to the stage from the white light and launched into Breadfan.

- seeing James Hetfield atop the stairs bathed in Metallica green light as he played the opening notes of One.

- seeing Youngy getting the "die, die, die" chorus of Creeping Death started early, which soon spread.

- feeling so tired and thirsty and drained by the end of the Metallica set that I secretly begged them to stop, just so I could rest.

- wandering around with Youngy trying to find you or Ian or Ian's dad, as we didn't know where the car was.

- hearing Youngy fearing over the safety of his multipack of Coke, in case you had got there first.

- sleeping in fits and starts on the drive back to Ian's.

- collapsing on blocks of foam in Ian's music room (I think) and enjoying the best night's sleep I've ever had.

- waking up the next day and being totally unable to play cricket for the Redgrave Gents.

What memories, what an experience.... it will live with me forever... Diamond, we really must get hold of a copy of the Metallica set... surely it's out there somewhere?

And before I forget, are you au fait with the American TV show, Mythbusters? One half of the team, Jamie Hyneman, IS a Drakard. He must be the cousin or the young Uncle. It is uncanny.

And yeah, in hindsight Asami would crush Ling, although the former does rely on intelligence and cunning rather than strength, as she can't weigh more than 6 stone. But what a lovely 6 stone she is...


Danny devito should stick to one side of the camera, and probably one side of the room if he ever comes across the "big Ron" .

Ken, finally your psychological fraility is shining through, of course i indulge you in pub conversation and in general chit-chat, but Asami versus ling in a spooky old castle with lots of medieval shit? You've got to be kidding!

Blatantly Asami would win. She's a cold blooded killing machine, used to rendering her victims helpless and sawing off their fucking legs, sticking pins in areas they were never menat to go and keeping people in bags alive on a diet of vomit and fingers.

Ling woo looks good in a power suit and has a killer stare. In a toe to toe, she could probably just about make it, but insanity would give asmai the edge. This would probably leave the Ling "locked in the dungeon" and therefore available to spar with Pearl from Payback.

Yeah when i was doing all my moshing it was ten years ago. I still have a crystal clear image of you walking into Ians front room...but your legs staying put and not moving so yourm entire body seemed to slump with sudden and all consuming coma.
The barmy christian army harassing me outside the ground , the human pyramid constructed whilst waiting for corrosion of conformity to come on stage (their first UK gig!) and the shiteness that was warrior soul...doubtless now working the griddles at burger king in spandex pants.....the annoying bach of skid row was infintely forgettable, although the thumping bass of White Zombie, Seana Yseult prancing around the stage and the hairy rob...the pseudo incredible raw aggression of the 'head....175,000 people shouting "fuck you!!!" and "let freedom ring with a shotgun bla-AAAAASSSST" oh my gosh..reminds me of a poem of the era in the original experience (originally a text-based virus known as Ryhm-D) youngy came in and didn't knock, moshing to davidian, old and block!

it was a random poem about lots of shit going down in youngys room, i think, which would have probably caused the most deadly of vengances had it ever occurred, along with the famous line:

"the tongan national rugby team, the cast of call my bluff...all were sat in youngys room...along with other stuff..."

Ian the Lion moshing so fast that his neck got a crick in it, and you and youngy wandering off for curry and getting lost. Didn't Ian's Bro Kif pull some metal chick and escape the angry boyfriend by crowd surfing his escape....a thought I can easily recall in simpsons-style vision.....

so where were we?

Monday, August 22, 2005


Hold on, hold on... let me see if I understand here... not only are you slating the very fine movie, Throw Momma from the Train, you are also calling Mr DeVito a gimp? Shame on you! He's one of Hollywood's best, and in the movie his momma is Ma Fratelli from The Goonies for God's sake! For the record, I think Danny would own Ronnie.

Now let's see... Darth Vader vs Predator. With any kind of gun, I'd go with the pred, toe to toe fighting, the pred, but swords and it's all about the Sith lord. Darth has the ability to choke people and move them kinetically, but would any of that shit work on a predator? Maybe.

Ok, how about this one... A fecking big deserted Japanese castle. At one end, Ling Woo from Ally McBeal, and at the other, Asami from Audition. In between them, a multitude of rooms, secret passages, weapons and old castle shit. Who would win?

Forty o'Six

Who was the sister of Patty O'Furniture said the following to me: "Throw momma from the train? Whats that...some kind of film?"

I told her it was and assured her that I would never watch such a thing because " I don't watch shit TV movies directed and starring a gimp who would lose in a fight to ronnie corbett from the two ronnies!!!"

How about David Prowse as Darth Vader and Kevin Peter Hall as the predator? Pistols, in the archives? Who would get marksmanship, most deadly?

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

A singing .45

Luke Kirby, I believe, is the strip to which you referred. At the time, I didn't really get into it, although I'm sure that I would now.

Good grief I love to watch The Rock. Despite the overt Americana, it remains one of my favourite beer movies. It's quite amusing to watch the USA's elite marines getting their arses pasted by a band of mercenaries, especially in the famous elevated position shower room scene. Of course it goes without saying that if the Pentagon wanted the job done properly they should have pulled a few strings and brought the SAS or SBS over. If they had, Ed Harris would have been weeping into his prison overalls before the sunset.

Yeah, Connery is on top form. As to who would win in a scrap between 1996 Mason and 1962 Bond, it's tough to call. Bond is younger, faster and in better condition, but Mason has years of experience on the dapper spy, and being an SAS captain would have taught him a trick or two. In a toe to toe fight, I'd go with Bond, but in a darkened warehouse with hideyholes and random stuff lying around to use as weaponary, I'd go with Mason.

Now for Conan against Dutch. Naturally, with weapons it would be all about the special forces Major. But hand to hand? Tough one. Dutch would undoubtedly have a firm grasp of military hand to hand combat, but Conan was a death fighter for years. Plus he's a classically trained swordsman. If the battle were face to face, unarmed, it would be close. I suppose it would come down to where they fought. If they fought in Conan's desert plains, he'd win. If they fought in a Jungle, Dutch would win. Of course, any kind of technology element and the big soldier would be laughing.

How about this one... Danny DeVito in Throw Momma from the Train against Ronnie Corbett from The Two Ronnies... who would win that sub 5' battle?

44 on the floor


Another thing that really gets me in a shampoo Lava is having to be so bloody careful what you say or do or type....because someone might take offense. Long gone are the days of MCP, mores the pity, although my lady likes it when i slap her on the ass, connery style, and tell her to go and pour the whiskies as I am engaged in "Man talk". And so she fucking should. Connery has got to be one of the best blokes to go sink a few beers or a few holes with....but in a straight fight between smooth connery in 'No and furry connery in 'rock-who would win....?

Or how about Schwarzenegger in Conan or Arnold in Predator once he's lost his guns? Hmmm.

If there was a celebrity title fight between two people in the public eye and one of them dies and one of them gets to Rule the world.....

well, it's got to be lucy liu and christina aguilera obviously.

might be off tae the V festival this weeko. A big festival in V, which is interesting because i grin like V.

Another interesting thing is that I was chatting to a friend about Diss the other day and I was trying to describe life in East Anglia. and I found myself trying to describe a wickerman-esque 2000ad strip about a boy with magic powers. It had a hobby horse in it and the lil dudes name was luke, but i couldn't remember what it was called so I moved onto the stuffy yet quaint middle class hohumnothingverymuch atmosphere generated in the go-between, but modernised it a bit and got onto John Wyndham novels...Chocky, day of the triffids, etc...then it dawned on me that he wrote a book called "the Midwich Cuckoos" twice adapted for film under the name "the village of the damned" . I work for a company called Midwich and it is wholly owned by Cuckoo holdings....I was wondering why there are some people here with Golden eyes.
Of course the telepathic, golden eyed Children (yes he does use the capital letter) of the book would be pretty rubbish if playing trevelyan on Goldeneye against me, and the whole Goldeneye thing originally stemmed from your connections with the boy Alpha at a factory in Diss. Diss has a pissy little pond in the middle of it called "the mere" and in John Carltons book of 1957 "Seven steps to purgatory" "the mer-e" is the name of the acidic beast that guards the demon babies from harm. Alpha is the name of the living door through which the hero escapes. John Carlton and John Wyndham both published their books in the same year. Worrying.

moving swiflty on from the fetid miasma that is Diss, I was hoping to open a gallery of collected works from the high school and beyond. So I am going to scan a load of kentoons and Letters into some PC and upload them sometime. Of course before I do this I need to register them as wholly owned creative property of DMKE inc, a pure invention of the twisted imagination of you and my own overactive cortex. I am now off the clock and need to get back to work. No rest for the damned!!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


Ahh, back to the future 2... I wonder if the Jaws franchise will get around to Jaws 13 (was it 13? or 15?) in the next ten years...

What an awful concept that is, "franchise". Especially irksome is when some monosyllabic American sports star gives a post match interview and says something along the lines of "we all want to do our best for this franchise". What about the sportsmanship, the pitting of athletes against athletes, the afterglow of battle? These are more important than the stock value of a (usually) Jewish millionaire owner that professes to be working for the fans but only really cares for money.

Tits. Sagging, grandmother tits.

The Meaning of Life

is apparently 42, a fact that I learned around the time of six stings and twenty frets. sixth form, fifth year, year 10 girls and C7, not to mention 7C 9B and the terror that was c corridor. 9/11 and 7/7...too many numbers and sensory overload. There really is no need. The reason people are so scared here is along the same lines of the "Black Male" sinister figure so often portrayed in american media and news hype. We always seem to have a shadowy figure, or as Miller would say, a witch to hunt.

football thugs, pedophiles, serial killers, rapists, terrorists, all focussed on by the media eye and held up. If you ask someone to name a serial killer they probably can, or a known terrorist, they probably can, a gangster-they probably can.....not many people care about those that achieve for the race as a whole. The days in which investors threw money at brilliant young men and women to dream up fantastic machines and gizmos and ideas seem long gone, although innovation is moving at such a rate now that it is almost impossible to attach any form of credit, and so people give up. Rampant consumerism leads to things like 73 different brands of camera phone that esentially all do the same thing. Brand competition amongst sony and Xbox leads to a better well thought out design every few years and their business depends on it. Look at what happened to Sega and nintendo? No longer the big swingers because they got too ahead of themselves, but We don't seem to have any drake and hawkins left in our salty guts. We're too scared of unseen elements that in all reality have nothing to do with us.

Apparently China and Japan will be at war within 10 years. The general mood in the cinese community here is that Taiwan is a strategic point that must be taken within the next eight so they can bomb the shit out of Japan. Please make sure if the shit starts to go down you are ready to rock and roll.

Anyways, I have recorded my intelligence here, although I think you can probably guess the sources nationalities from the sheer length in prediction. Anything can happen in ten years. Hells, i'll be 35 and it'll be 2015, according to back to the future 2 we'll have hovercars and mr.fusion and self cleaning clothes and it'll be a crazy futurama. It only takes a moment to discover another miracle cure, or another accident to create another internet. All these things that society just can't do without today weren't even here ten years ago. It's all a ride, really, but is it too fast?

Is it fuck, just hold on the tighter and scream out the louder.

forty one

Christ, not that old chestnut again!

Anyway, yesterday I happened to find myself in a guitar shop, an event that hasn't happened for about 7 years... the Ernie Ball super slinky strings, the assortment of picks, the racks of acoustics... it reminded me of being in the band, when everything revolved around those six strings and 20 frets...

Incidentally, I've been watching a lot of Mythbusters, and am reminded of Helm every time...

Monday, August 15, 2005

40 days and 40 nights

Word. Although mine are better.

A young missionary from the clerical college in surrey was bringing the word to the heathen tribesmen in Africa when he stumbled across the fabled Mwanumwezi tribe on the grassy wildebeest plains.

The Missionary repeatedly tried to convert the arrogant chief and his tribe to christianity nd a civilised way of living, but the king would not listen to any of his information or advice.

The king of the tribe was a notorious womaniser and would take a queen from each of the local smaller tribes every few weeks to satiate his desires. He would follow all due ceremony, wed the damsel and drag her into his grass hut for his conjugals whilst the rest of the tribe laboured to make the new queen a fine throne from their already scanty resources.

As each throne was made, the king would order it stored in the grass house built for his ever-expanding harem until all the women were crammed in with a sturdy collection of rare woods and fine metalwork to the point of bursting.

One day, the rains came and brought with them mighty gales from across the country. The village locale was racked with storms for days and the king ordered his harem into their grass hut and his entire tribe to build them a great fire inside to keep them warm against the elements.

the walls of the hut, weakened by the sheer amount of thrones pushing against them, collapsed inward burying harem, what remained of the tribe and all the thrones inside. to make matters worse the great fires caught the grass and the sheer ferocity of the flames engulfed all within. The king ran from his own hut and could only watch as his entire tribe and all their resources were consumed. He raged at the skies, he called down curses on the heads of all gods he could name and turned to the Missionary for some miracle to resurrect his loss.

the missinary sighed and said " If only you had listened to me. In christian England we have a saying that warns against such naivete"

The king pleaded "please, what is this wise saying"

Calmly, the missionary rested a hand on the kings shoulder and imparted " People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones..."

O to see thy face and doubtless clenched fist right now...

Friday, August 12, 2005

The 39 steps

Thanks for that truly appalling joke... I feel that I must for a moment come out of retirement and offer one of my own...

Two young university students are writing notes in the library. Suddenly someone opens the door, and a gust of wind sends all their papers into the air. They retrieve some of them, but due to static, a fair portion stick to the wall next to the table. The students collect as many as they can, but the ones at the top of the wall are out of reach. They try standing on the table, but they still can't reach. Eventually, one of the students hits on the idea of throwing erasers to knock the papers down. The lower papers are knocked down quite easily, but only one of the students can consistently knock down the papers closest to the ceiling. The other student looks to the successful one and says "You must be a hell of a singer... you're hitting all the high notes..."

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Love and a .38

"cutely named scran"!

When (if) you return to ths hallowed, if somewhat misguided isle, your senses will be sullied by the fact that food is either bland or stodgey, or in mostcases, both.

Not only that, it's generallycalled somethingreally dull. Like Celery. Or asparagus. Or chips. How rubbish.

Can you believe that the newsreportthe other day actually stated that the landing of the shuttle in Florida had been "Thwarted" by bad weather...blatantly someone playing word of the day, how obtuse.

PS 7b were going out to play games on "take your pet to work day" and wereall lined up in their football togs ready for kickoff whilst their dogs, cats and various other pets watched excitedly from the sidelines. Everyone that is, apart from helm, who trundled up to the pitch wearing jeans and a t-shirt stained with last nights curry. His grin was large but the immediate absence of any pet caused some comment amongst the assembled lads, as it was well know that The mighty Helm was extremly fond of his miniutare pekinese puss. Mr Auckland looked at him disapprovingly and sighed "Go and get your Kitten..."

Over to you

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

37 and never been kissed...

Speaking of governments, there is something very rum happening in Japan at the moment. The full story can be found here... actually no... for some reason, every website I try to go to is refusing to load... suffice to say that Koizumi has dissolved the lower house and called an unexpected election for September. There are whisperings of devolution, abdication, grand coups and much more.

There are undoubtedly scores of Nissan Micra drivers here in Japan, although to be honest I haven't really noticed them, due to the gauntlet that is walking on a Japanese pavement. What with all the old ladies on bone shakers going so slowly they have to keep jumping off to keep balance, the old men on bone shakers crashing into everything, the school boys with the seats so low they almost scrape their arses on the concrete, the school girls talking, emailing, holding umbrellas and applying their make up at the same time as riding a bike and the pedestrians that have no sense of spatial awareness and walk right in front of you, i really haven't got the time.

I am going to go to the convenience store now to buy some cutely named scran and then come back to dissolve into a twilight of beer, cars-on-the-breeze and the new series of Family Guy... over to you.

Proposition 36

It's because they get off on it. There is a distinct type of person, doubtless the same sort that buys a barbour wax jacket and a crook when they go to visit "the country", that will putter through the daily traffic oblivious to the sheer vitriol aimed at them and their shit choice of motor. My nan had a Nissan Micra up until recently...albeit a purple one...but she swapped it for a Fiesta when she realised the hostility of fellow drivers on the road was almost unbearable. My theory is that Nissan Micra drivers are some weird form of deviant of a sort that actively enjoys making life miserable for everyone else. They are always travelling at 53mph on motorways or 10MPH below the speed limit on any other road. They beep their horn at you when you overtake. They cut you up on roundabouts safe in the knowledge that if you just give into temptation and plough them off the road you will be almost certainly guilty of murder.
They never see green on traffic lights. They actually stop in the middle of the road when they are lost as opposed to pulling over and finding their bearings. they are the world automotive equivalent of a Japanese old makes so much sense!!!

Anyways, Nice to see the shrine's hoping that we can make this experience the most pictorial ever! I encourage all sorts of cultural piccies, holiday snaps and scantily clad chicas dishing out their goods to all and sundry.

If anything is to save Britain from some gradual slump into American ideals, it will be in the hearts and minds of Men and not in the machinations of a Government seemingly keen on imposing the new "Judges only" court system that beggars belief. All the things that made Britain a great country of industrial whizzkids and beautiful and strong free thinkers seems under threat by the very people that "run" the country....

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

In the year 3535...

Diamond, this building in North Kyushu was clearly built with you in mind... perhaps by the Grand Coalition of Nissan Micra Motorists, who want to mock you not only with their awful driving, but the taunt "ha! ra!" on the side of a building...

What is it with Nissan Micra drivers anyway? Why is it that if you see one of the pastel fuckers on the road, there's always chaos and hold ups and near misses?

34 Charing cross Road

Okay, that is a seriously Familiar shrine. and not because it's famous and not because it's on the cover of a certain book, but simply because I built it last week. To fool you. And you fell for it as well you gullible sod!


I ran into Cakers the other day and hadten minutes of laughing through tears for no particular reason, all just so amusing to see a face from back in the day that I no longer see. Completely forgot to ask him about the Akers and pickle guide. Hmm.

Tell the lovely Lady that Don Jimi is on the case and rest assured that the Taxi driver is already being tailed by two of my finest. I will have him turned into green cheese and blasted to the moon for your amusement.

Kiting was nothing short of breathtaking. the damn thing is about eight metres wide and Three high, Or fecking huuuge, and frequently pulled me off my feet some ten feet into the air like a fecking astronaut when i wasn't sat in my buggy. After several hours of arm-wrenching, moon-jumping craziness (not to mention a mad lil dog that started chasing the kite when it was on the ground and continued to chase it when it soared into the air and flew around the park!) Seriously though, I neeed the internet at home because I can't write half of what i want to at the moment because big brother is watching.

terrifying that to get this job, I had to have my references checked, my interviews chased up and take part in a psychometric test. Completely unfair if you ask me. What if your test says that you have no ambition or drive and they don't employ you because of that? What a load of shit that would be, or worse still it says you don't have any ambition and they do employ you because they like people at the bottom!!!

Monday, August 08, 2005


So how did it go with the big kite in the park? Did you knock people over and crash into the side of some office after a big gust?

Me myself and Yoko have just returned from a few days in Hiroshima, where we had a very nice (hot) time and ate some champion food. The scenery was great, the bomb museum was sombre and the taxi driver that shook his fist and mouthed obscenities at my fiance is lucky that he was safely in his car and headed in the opposite direction, otherwise he would have had a particularly irate foreigner drag him out of his deathtrap by his strawberry nose, and go all Sonny Corleone on him. Twat.

Anyway, here is a picture of the very famous and very old shrine at Miyajima where we went yesterday morning. Does it look familiar? It should, as it is on the front cover of Shogun...

Saturday, August 06, 2005


Holy Chaffinch! Anjin-san, arigato onigaishimasu!!

Ullysses 31! how wicked was that!! If ever something was going to distract me it would be a memory of that wibbly cartoon and a girl called Anjin Choi!

Got to go fly a big kite in the park, Reply damn you!!

It's a 4-meter flexifoil viper. A gigantic goddam kite that Danny and Myself are going to fly in the park. There is a little buggy tri-wheeler that is ridiculously nippy and a general danger to passersby, so much the better. I'm trying to convince him to fit it with chariot blades and take it for a spin through the Larkman.

/Anyways. Gots to go whilst the wind is goooooooooooooooooood

Friday, August 05, 2005

Ulysses 31 (Oh hells yes!)

Mrs Apps! The answer came to me just now, as I was playing an online word game...

Now, in the time honoured tradition of guest writers in the Experience, may I present one of my students. She's very lovely and we are both sat here trying to get through a TOEFL text book and failing miserably I might add. Anjin, you are the first guest writer of the new online Experience, so take it away!

hello^0^My name is Anjin Choi!! happy to meet you. My Englishk is very bad. but I want to be a great!!!

How abou U?? a!! I'm from south Korea! do you know korea?? its small. but very hot country.

Its mean /// every foods are hot. and many peoples are hot. hahaha nice to meet U and bye. God bless U!!

Cheers Anjin! Over to you Mr D...

Thursday, August 04, 2005

30 Nukes

My mind is blank. For some reason I can suddenly only think about the fact that all that hartismere stuff was a lifetime ago. the world has chewed me quite a bit since i last saw the likes of them and it's round about now that people start talking reunions. However, I think that's a load of shite, having seen gross point blank, and the more I think about school days, whilst hedonistic and stuff, the more annoyed I get about the world. I feel a soap box moment coming on!! I can't believe my boss just read this over my shoulder! RAAAAAAAAAHHH!H!H!H!H!H!H!H!H!H!H!H!H!H

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

29 reasons to be cheerful

The thing I remember most about Pickle is the way he would look so serious from across a crowded corridor, only to break out in the biggest grin imaginable when he saw you, me or helm. A legend, as you rightly said...

Speaking of legends, what about that youngish woman with the glasses and short blonde hair, who was always carrying a mug of tea... who was she? What was she? She never appeared in any classes, and to my knowledge never spoke. She must have had something to do with the photocopy room, for the Science corridor was her primary lurking spot.

And what was the name of the elderly science assistant, the woman that was born with a humour bypass and at least 100 years too late? She always seemed to be connected to Mr White.

28 on the gate

Pickle, pickle, there never was a boy like Pickle! Pickle, Pickle! his grin and hair were legendary, as well as his propensity to drink a shed load of booze with seemingly no effect before falling over. His wild gesticulations and excitableness were extremely rare things and had to be teased oput of him. Helm was a regular perpertrator of the sport known as "picklebaiting" offering to eat his head, open his head, throwing cheeses slices at him and trying to helpfully chuck him through the window. Pickle was famed for his silence punctuated by guffaws, giggles and sniggers. He lolloped. Very much a target man in games, he would frequently get flattened by the entire opposing form. One of the two towers that i built an Empire of cunning and strength around, bid sadly farewell for the south west coast and fondly missed ever since. I often wonder where my friend has gone and what he's up to, but if I'm any judge he'll be running around with a jack russell on his massive farm grinning like an easter island statue. His dog was called Rags.

Monday, August 01, 2005

27 everyone was nice!

Ahh Dunkie... he was also a bit of a dab hand with a cricket bat too, if memory serves. And Gavin and James... dear lord, I'd almost forgotten about those two... Gavin looked like an East Anglian farmer boy version of Michael Corleone but with a too-big arse, and James, or "Perry" as he was later known due to his centre parting, was very little and sported glasses (during sixth form he added cream chinos and a denim shirt, which he wore everyday and led to myself and Little Richard having a Perry Day, dressing and grooming accordingly). One of their most memorable scenes was the time in History when, having been separated for the hundredth time for bickering, Gavin lent Johnny his prit stick, which was then thrown at the ceiling, sticking to the bulge made when their was a storm, and remaining there for the entire lesson as we all waited to see if it would fall on Gavin's unsuspecting head.

Which leads me to the History teacher... Mrs Flatman.

MRS FLATMAN! One of my heroes, if only for the fact that she was tiny with ginger hair and a thick Australian accent, saying things like "Nooooooooo!", "Gavunnnnnnn!", and "Fransussss Walsing'ummmmmm!"

She had a little stool so she could reach the top of the board, and instead of photo copies she used bander sheets (I'm sure that's what they were called... those poor quality papers printed in purple ink). She also had the much discussed but never examined "London Game" on the top of her cupboard, and every lesson would witness the following conversation:

Diamond: Can we play the London Game, Miss?
Mrs Flatman: Nooooooo!

Do you remember the lesson towards the end of year 11 when she read us some of the Canterbury Tales? I still maintain that it could trump any bedtime story. Not quite as good as John Hurt in the Story Teller, but damn close.

A generally unpopular class at the time, I always secretly loved it. Although we couldn't choose which areas of history to study, the Elizabethan project was fun, as was the fact that a certain very fine girl was in our class, and she often had a cold which somehow made her even finer. Due to these, as well as the eternal feud of Gavin and James, and the field trips to castles and the replica of The Golden Hind, I'd give history with Mrs Flatman a solid 7.5/10.

26 green bottles

Ashlee looks like she should teach art at hartismere. She has everything that the repressed boys of our school need. I reckong she only surfed in 'cos we mentioned Lucy Liu!!

One of the people that made hartismere as cool as i remember? None other than Duncan Murphy. A strange lad of undisputed Genius heritage, he was often found beating the comedy two-some of Gavin ellis and james Wilby about the head with a ruler, or grinning slyly whilst in Science as if he knew a lot more than he let on. Generally amazing at sports for someone stereotyped as a geek (he more than held his own in rugby and football) but generally spurned such physical activity for table tennis or tennis. I used to copy his science homework and get better marks than him. In german he was unashamedly rude to whoever taught us and would frequently go on about a certain conflict between the germans and the British, along with tormenting Tim the assistant with his complete lack of linguistical ability.
Famed for smacking Mr Ellis on the knuckles with a ruler so hard that you could mark centimeres off with his hand.
Hmmmm... that doesn't sound especially innoncent...maybe Ashlee will be back in a bit!!!