Area 51

An interesting matchup... let's see. Both undoubtedly have a background in mathematics theory, although Berry would appear to be more able to put it into practice and together with his construction knowhow would probably have the edge. I'm not too sure how well Aldous would cope on a deserted island. There could well be a few cardboard boxes for him to cut with a wooden ruler, as is his wont, but would this help him in a mortal battle with an older foe? The fact that he would be apart from Mrs Aldous could inspire him, but even so I think Berry would win. And here's how:

Having constructed a large and deadly mousetrap from abandoned timber and steel, Berry lays a can of deodorant, salvaged from his luggage, as bait. Despite lots of planning and hypothesis, Aldous is mesmorised by the can, and is snapped in half as the chuckling, victorious Berry watches from a nearby tree.

By the way, I was going to apologise for my lack of activity for a week or so, but seeing as you were so late to reply I needn't...

(102 - 72.5)x(3 x 4 - 11 + 1)

Ahh, Donnington... a defining moment in our teenage years, that's for sure.... my most vivid memories of it are:

- eating cereal in Youngy's kitchen at a ridiculous time of the morning, him tapping his spoon whilst he waited for you, Ian and his dad.

- the fact that I wore a white metallica t-shirt, and was perhaps one of the only fans to do so.

- arriving early and due to it being really quiet we got near the stage, and then looking round to see a field full of people.

- the first band testing their bass drum, and sending pure decibels into our hearts.

- sitting on a grassy knoll with Youngy during Slash's snake pit and promptly falling asleep.

- watching the bags of beer and presumably piss flying through the air mid-sets.

- waiting for ages for Therapy and Machine Head to come on (and hearing everyone singing the chorus to Killing in the Name when they played it over the speakers).

- feeling utterly euphoric when Metallica finally burst out on to the stage from the white light and launched into Breadfan.

- seeing James Hetfield atop the stairs bathed in Metallica green light as he played the opening notes of One.

- seeing Youngy getting the "die, die, die" chorus of Creeping Death started early, which soon spread.

- feeling so tired and thirsty and drained by the end of the Metallica set that I secretly begged them to stop, just so I could rest.

- wandering around with Youngy trying to find you or Ian or Ian's dad, as we didn't know where the car was.

- hearing Youngy fearing over the safety of his multipack of Coke, in case you had got there first.

- sleeping in fits and starts on the drive back to Ian's.

- collapsing on blocks of foam in Ian's music room (I think) and enjoying the best night's sleep I've ever had.

- waking up the next day and being totally unable to play cricket for the Redgrave Gents.

What memories, what an experience.... it will live with me forever... Diamond, we really must get hold of a copy of the Metallica set... surely it's out there somewhere?

And before I forget, are you au fait with the American TV show, Mythbusters? One half of the team, Jamie Hyneman, IS a Drakard. He must be the cousin or the young Uncle. It is uncanny.

And yeah, in hindsight Asami would crush Ling, although the former does rely on intelligence and cunning rather than strength, as she can't weigh more than 6 stone. But what a lovely 6 stone she is...

AK47

Hold on, hold on... let me see if I understand here... not only are you slating the very fine movie, Throw Momma from the Train, you are also calling Mr DeVito a gimp? Shame on you! He's one of Hollywood's best, and in the movie his momma is Ma Fratelli from The Goonies for God's sake! For the record, I think Danny would own Ronnie.

Now let's see... Darth Vader vs Predator. With any kind of gun, I'd go with the pred, toe to toe fighting, the pred, but swords and it's all about the Sith lord. Darth has the ability to choke people and move them kinetically, but would any of that shit work on a predator? Maybe.

Ok, how about this one... A fecking big deserted Japanese castle. At one end, Ling Woo from Ally McBeal, and at the other, Asami from Audition. In between them, a multitude of rooms, secret passages, weapons and old castle shit. Who would win?

A singing .45

Luke Kirby, I believe, is the strip to which you referred. At the time, I didn't really get into it, although I'm sure that I would now.

Good grief I love to watch The Rock. Despite the overt Americana, it remains one of my favourite beer movies. It's quite amusing to watch the USA's elite marines getting their arses pasted by a band of mercenaries, especially in the famous elevated position shower room scene. Of course it goes without saying that if the Pentagon wanted the job done properly they should have pulled a few strings and brought the SAS or SBS over. If they had, Ed Harris would have been weeping into his prison overalls before the sunset.

Yeah, Connery is on top form. As to who would win in a scrap between 1996 Mason and 1962 Bond, it's tough to call. Bond is younger, faster and in better condition, but Mason has years of experience on the dapper spy, and being an SAS captain would have taught him a trick or two. In a toe to toe fight, I'd go with Bond, but in a darkened warehouse with hideyholes and random stuff lying around to use as weaponary, I'd go with Mason.

Now for Conan against Dutch. Naturally, with weapons it would be all about the special forces Major. But hand to hand? Tough one. Dutch would undoubtedly have a firm grasp of military hand to hand combat, but Conan was a death fighter for years. Plus he's a classically trained swordsman. If the battle were face to face, unarmed, it would be close. I suppose it would come down to where they fought. If they fought in Conan's desert plains, he'd win. If they fought in a Jungle, Dutch would win. Of course, any kind of technology element and the big soldier would be laughing.

How about this one... Danny DeVito in Throw Momma from the Train against Ronnie Corbett from The Two Ronnies... who would win that sub 5' battle?

43

Ahh, back to the future 2... I wonder if the Jaws franchise will get around to Jaws 13 (was it 13? or 15?) in the next ten years...

What an awful concept that is, "franchise". Especially irksome is when some monosyllabic American sports star gives a post match interview and says something along the lines of "we all want to do our best for this franchise". What about the sportsmanship, the pitting of athletes against athletes, the afterglow of battle? These are more important than the stock value of a (usually) Jewish millionaire owner that professes to be working for the fans but only really cares for money.

Tits. Sagging, grandmother tits.

forty one

Christ, not that old chestnut again!

Anyway, yesterday I happened to find myself in a guitar shop, an event that hasn't happened for about 7 years... the Ernie Ball super slinky strings, the assortment of picks, the racks of acoustics... it reminded me of being in the band, when everything revolved around those six strings and 20 frets...

Incidentally, I've been watching a lot of Mythbusters, and am reminded of Helm every time...

The 39 steps

Thanks for that truly appalling joke... I feel that I must for a moment come out of retirement and offer one of my own...

Two young university students are writing notes in the library. Suddenly someone opens the door, and a gust of wind sends all their papers into the air. They retrieve some of them, but due to static, a fair portion stick to the wall next to the table. The students collect as many as they can, but the ones at the top of the wall are out of reach. They try standing on the table, but they still can't reach. Eventually, one of the students hits on the idea of throwing erasers to knock the papers down. The lower papers are knocked down quite easily, but only one of the students can consistently knock down the papers closest to the ceiling. The other student looks to the successful one and says "You must be a hell of a singer... you're hitting all the high notes..."

37 and never been kissed...

Speaking of governments, there is something very rum happening in Japan at the moment. The full story can be found here... actually no... for some reason, every website I try to go to is refusing to load... suffice to say that Koizumi has dissolved the lower house and called an unexpected election for September. There are whisperings of devolution, abdication, grand coups and much more.

There are undoubtedly scores of Nissan Micra drivers here in Japan, although to be honest I haven't really noticed them, due to the gauntlet that is walking on a Japanese pavement. What with all the old ladies on bone shakers going so slowly they have to keep jumping off to keep balance, the old men on bone shakers crashing into everything, the school boys with the seats so low they almost scrape their arses on the concrete, the school girls talking, emailing, holding umbrellas and applying their make up at the same time as riding a bike and the pedestrians that have no sense of spatial awareness and walk right in front of you, i really haven't got the time.

I am going to go to the convenience store now to buy some cutely named scran and then come back to dissolve into a twilight of beer, cars-on-the-breeze and the new series of Family Guy... over to you.

In the year 3535...

Diamond, this building in North Kyushu was clearly built with you in mind... perhaps by the Grand Coalition of Nissan Micra Motorists, who want to mock you not only with their awful driving, but the taunt "ha! ra!" on the side of a building...

What is it with Nissan Micra drivers anyway? Why is it that if you see one of the pastel fuckers on the road, there's always chaos and hold ups and near misses?

Dreiunddreizig

So how did it go with the big kite in the park? Did you knock people over and crash into the side of some office after a big gust?

Me myself and Yoko have just returned from a few days in Hiroshima, where we had a very nice (hot) time and ate some champion food. The scenery was great, the bomb museum was sombre and the taxi driver that shook his fist and mouthed obscenities at my fiance is lucky that he was safely in his car and headed in the opposite direction, otherwise he would have had a particularly irate foreigner drag him out of his deathtrap by his strawberry nose, and go all Sonny Corleone on him. Twat.

Anyway, here is a picture of the very famous and very old shrine at Miyajima where we went yesterday morning. Does it look familiar? It should, as it is on the front cover of Shogun...

Ulysses 31 (Oh hells yes!)

Mrs Apps! The answer came to me just now, as I was playing an online word game...

Now, in the time honoured tradition of guest writers in the Experience, may I present one of my students. She's very lovely and we are both sat here trying to get through a TOEFL text book and failing miserably I might add. Anjin, you are the first guest writer of the new online Experience, so take it away!

hello^0^My name is Anjin Choi!! happy to meet you. My Englishk is very bad. but I want to be a great!!!

How abou U?? a!! I'm from south Korea! do you know korea?? its small. but very hot country.

Its mean /// every foods are hot. and many peoples are hot. hahaha nice to meet U and bye. God bless U!!



Cheers Anjin! Over to you Mr D...

29 reasons to be cheerful

The thing I remember most about Pickle is the way he would look so serious from across a crowded corridor, only to break out in the biggest grin imaginable when he saw you, me or helm. A legend, as you rightly said...

Speaking of legends, what about that youngish woman with the glasses and short blonde hair, who was always carrying a mug of tea... who was she? What was she? She never appeared in any classes, and to my knowledge never spoke. She must have had something to do with the photocopy room, for the Science corridor was her primary lurking spot.

And what was the name of the elderly science assistant, the woman that was born with a humour bypass and at least 100 years too late? She always seemed to be connected to Mr White.

27 everyone was nice!

Ahh Dunkie... he was also a bit of a dab hand with a cricket bat too, if memory serves. And Gavin and James... dear lord, I'd almost forgotten about those two... Gavin looked like an East Anglian farmer boy version of Michael Corleone but with a too-big arse, and James, or "Perry" as he was later known due to his centre parting, was very little and sported glasses (during sixth form he added cream chinos and a denim shirt, which he wore everyday and led to myself and Little Richard having a Perry Day, dressing and grooming accordingly). One of their most memorable scenes was the time in History when, having been separated for the hundredth time for bickering, Gavin lent Johnny his prit stick, which was then thrown at the ceiling, sticking to the bulge made when their was a storm, and remaining there for the entire lesson as we all waited to see if it would fall on Gavin's unsuspecting head.

Which leads me to the History teacher... Mrs Flatman.

MRS FLATMAN! One of my heroes, if only for the fact that she was tiny with ginger hair and a thick Australian accent, saying things like "Nooooooooo!", "Gavunnnnnnn!", and "Fransussss Walsing'ummmmmm!"

She had a little stool so she could reach the top of the board, and instead of photo copies she used bander sheets (I'm sure that's what they were called... those poor quality papers printed in purple ink). She also had the much discussed but never examined "London Game" on the top of her cupboard, and every lesson would witness the following conversation:

Diamond: Can we play the London Game, Miss?
Mrs Flatman: Nooooooo!

Do you remember the lesson towards the end of year 11 when she read us some of the Canterbury Tales? I still maintain that it could trump any bedtime story. Not quite as good as John Hurt in the Story Teller, but damn close.

A generally unpopular class at the time, I always secretly loved it. Although we couldn't choose which areas of history to study, the Elizabethan project was fun, as was the fact that a certain very fine girl was in our class, and she often had a cold which somehow made her even finer. Due to these, as well as the eternal feud of Gavin and James, and the field trips to castles and the replica of The Golden Hind, I'd give history with Mrs Flatman a solid 7.5/10.