' 75 ... and poncho took a bullet in the tongue...

At the risk of being Helm-ish...

1. Lazenby only did one film as he was given bad advice by his PR people (they told him that Bond was a 60s thing, and that the approaching 70s would drop the series like a sack of hot shit). Plus there was the fact that OHMSS, despite being quite successful at the box office, made a lot less than Connery's last few films.

2. At the end of OHMSS Lazenby portrays Bond at his most unhappy... his wife has been murdered in cold blood by his arch nemesis and his german aide... this profound unhappiness is contrasted starkly with the romanticism and love that came before it, and thus the latter is necessary..

3. Had Lazenby ignored his PR team and done Diamonds are forever, and had Telly Savalas agreed to return, it could have been an excellent culmination of the whole affair... in DAF, Connery is overweight and openly bored with the role... Grey is a rubbish Blofeld... with Lazenby and Savalas in place, the viewer would be reminded of the scenes in OHMSS and it would have undoubtedly lifted both films.

' 73, a great year for films (The Wicker Man, Live and Let Die, Black Caesar, Coffy, Day of the Jackal, Dracula, Enter the Dragon, The Exorcist, etc.

Oldboy! Haven't seen it yet, but I've been trying to think of the name of it for ages... I do so love a bit of Korean darkness. Speaking of which, do you remember our first guest speaker in this Experience, Anjin? Well, I had a rather strange dream about her last week... she was in the hospital from The Godfather, and she told me that her father had forbidden her to eat pink cake, but she went ahead and ate it, and now required extensive stomach surgery... she had a merry chuckle when I told her.

Anyway, to bring things temporarily back to Bond films, what do you think of On Her Majesty's Secret Service and Licence to Kill? For me, the former is one of the very best, and Lazenby is seriously underrated. Savalas' Blofeld is nails, once you get past the fact that he is Luke Abbott in the future, and he gets stuck in with the rough stuff when needs be. Plus he hypnotises beautiful girls from across the world and plans to use them to spread deadly epidemics. Diana Rigg is great as Tracy - when she is in the back of the car with Bond, wearing a very late 60s hat and mini skirt suit, she is perhaps the cheekiest and cutest thing I have ever seen. The great strength of the film is the ending. Poignant, powerful, un-Bond in a brave and refreshing way. I have a theory that if Lazenby and Savalas had gone on to do Diamonds are Forever, it would have been infinitely better.

As for Licence to Kill, I think it's superb on paper, and there are some interesting moments, but generally it's one of the worst films. I have no problem with Dalton, as I've come to appreciate his protrayal of Bond, but the editing and format of Licence to Kill is poor. One good thing about it is Q - this film is his Hamlet.. he appears as a chauffer, a boat captain, and my favourite, a Mexican farmer with a huge bandito moustache. Like Octopussy, Q is actively involved in the mission, it's just a shame that they didn't give him a better one.

Seventy One

Good grief! I thought interpol had finally nabbed you... either you were being the lazy snake and sleeping for a week and a bit or you accepted that top secret mission into the underworld of Vienna...

Yes, I've often thought about Bond missions, but they are often rather daft and from the darker, chucklier side of my brain.

I did, however, have an idea for the next Bond console/pc game... but I must pedal to the bowling alley now, stopping on the way to drink coffee from an incredibly waghand coffee shop. I shall reveal my idea when I return...

By the way, the actress that played Asami in Audition, as well as the actor who played her unfortunate victim, were both born in Fukuoka prefecture, which is where I live. If I bump into her at the supermarket I won't be able to resist singing "kiri kiri kiri kiri kiri kiri!" in her ear... and rest assured that I will persuade her to travel to Norwich, infiltrate your house, spike your shandy and show you her wire that is sharp enough to cut meat and bone... oh yes.

A bit of the old 69

I have to say, that has to be the best idea for Bond I have ever heard. The films badly need some kind of change of direction, as the tried and tested "up the ante on effects" has led us all into a tiresome rut.

Funnily enough, I was thinking only yesterday that it would be interesting for Brosnan's Bond to die, and to have the initiation part of the film. It would be incredible. Also a bit of background about the 00 system could be worthwhile - is there any kind of kudos for being a high or low number? how many agents have there been? how and where and when did they die?

Of the top of my head, I can't think of a good plot for a Bond film, as my bath is running, I'm half full of snorkworthy beer and have to be up at 6 in the morning... but I will have a long hard think about it on the train to work tomorrow, and let you know. How about you? Any ideas?

circa '67

That's a great idea... perhaps an additional element could be the use of the old coal trains that used to run... a few hundred tons of Helm's black shit could be substituted and cause mayhem on an even larger scale. Hells, if the explosions were to happen periodically along the route a large portion of the England could be covered!

I must admit to not being much of an Ursula Andress fan... I can see the appeal, but she just doesn't do it for me. I think it's because her forehead is too big. That and the fact that she IS 10B's former form tutor, Mrs Gittins (think about it... think hard about it.. there, you see)

Keeping with the Bond theme for a moment, could you please refresh my memory of your V for Vendetta style idea for Bond's identity?... I was thinking absently of it this morning, but couldn't recall exactly what it was.

5 and 60

The question of who is the most attractive Bond girl is not as straightforward as it seems... the word attractive was deliberately chosen, as it is more flexible than "most beautiful", "finest" or "sexiest". Attractive can be the result of many facets - looks, style, poise, voice, spirit, moral stance, etc, etc. But yet again we find ourselves with a term that can't be entirely nailed down, due to it's vagueness.

That said, for me the most attractive Bond girl is Claudine Auger, who played Domino in Thunderball. She is both demure and untamed, and looks equally stunning diving in the ocean or sat at a baccarat table. Her accent is wonderful, and she is the only Bond girl that wouldn't look out of place amongst the screen goddesses of the 1940s and 50s.

Now as to the question of how to appease SPECTRE on a budget, at the risk of having special branch kicking my door in, here's what I would do.

In classical SPECTRE fashion, I would destabilise a major government in Europe or America. This would be achieved by homemade letter bombs, made to look like regular governmental correspondence thanks to SPECTRE's infiltration agents and information gathering.

The keys to the success of this plan would be:

* to attach the letters to the roof of the mailboxes with a pre-chosen adhesive, which will weaken at a pre-determined time and fall safely, providing no link to our agents who deposited the letters weeks/months ago.

* that this would happen in the 1960s, when letter screening and general security measures were amateur.

How about you? Any ideas for a budget SPECTRE job?